Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
