matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
