You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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