Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
