A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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