I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
