oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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