take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
