i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
