Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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