i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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