It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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