I can't breathe out the right side of my face
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
