six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
