I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
