Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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