alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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