Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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