I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
