I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
