i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
