I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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