Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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