I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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