I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i think i have two assholes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
