Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
