I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
