So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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