He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
