I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
