i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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