Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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