So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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