I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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