Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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