I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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