I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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