He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
