So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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