i will never coherently bang her
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
