people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
