hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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