How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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