pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
