I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
