So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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