I can text with my tongue
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
