You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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