Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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