I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
