Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
