Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
