I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
