paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
