Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
