He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How does it feel to date your dad?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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